Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Paper Wings

I have had a friend or two wondering where it is that I got my name (Paper Wings). So here we go.

It was inspired by something I wrote when I was a freshman in high school:

"My brain is flooded with ideas, none isolated, a small butterfly in a cacophony of flowers, unable to settle on any special one, but tasting each together.

The painted pair of wings perches on the outer fence and can only gaze at the color, too expanse for comprehension in black and white."

I like the use of the word 'paper' because it implies a sense of vulnerability and delicacy, characteristics which I think are part of me, and which may be evident here.

I have a thing for flight.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

New Year

I have thought about starting a blog for a long time. Years. I have kept a private notebook, similar to a journal but not the same, for many years, and I have at times wished I had a way to share some of my thoughts contained therein with others. My notebook is for me, and for no one else. However, being able to write things which others might see would be nice sometimes. And lately, I have thought, why not try out the idea? It is the New Year. New Year’s resolutions seem to have such a low success rate that I typically do not bother with them. But it does seem to be a good time to try something new. So here is what has been on my mind as of late.

It is the beginning of the New Year. And I find myself, as probably many do, reflecting on the things which have happened since a year ago now. Last year at this time, I was in Idaho with my family visiting extended family. I was a junior in college. I had only just come to terms with the fact that my future as a student would be found in the psychology department as opposed to the world of the music building. A year prior to that I had never imagined that that was where I would find myself. Never imagined that my chosen career for my life would be in anything other than music.

Well once again I find that unpredictable events and changes have taken place in my life. For the first time ever, this semester I have felt like an adult. Oh I have been told that I had some adult-like qualities, and at times I have felt it to an extent, … but I have never really felt like one. Until these last few months. I am no longer a child, or something in between. I am an adult, and I think that in a way I have reached the mindset, the perspective of someone mature. I am not sure exactly how to articulate it, but I have this sense that I have arrived. I am not the person I was 6 months ago. Or rather I am the same person, the same song, but I have modulated. I have learned so much about who I am, and who I want to be, and steps I need to take to reconcile the two. It is as if a veil has been lifted from my eyes. I can see myself in a new light. I have always believed that there are things about ourselves and about each other that we can see if we open our eyes and look hard enough, but only if we are willing and able (not blind) to do so. And I find it interesting.

I am sure that many more of these changes will take place throughout my life, and I know that they may well not come without pain. I can definitely tell you that this one hasn’t been easy. Indeed, parts of it have hurt. Sometimes learning things about yourself and about other people messes you up. It can cause what psychologists call cognitive dissonance. Things just do not match up. And you find yourself reacting in some way in order to relieve the tension. For me I have learned things about who I want to be, and it has caused me to have to make decisions about the things I do and relationships I have now. I have changed. I have learned and I have grown. And I think I may find myself doing things which I do not entirely understand just yet, but that I must because it is who I am, and it is what I must do in order to be the person I want to be for the rest of my life. Otherwise there will be conflict. And goodness knows I do not need conflict.

It is interesting the roads we find ourselves on in life. We can’t always see the road, I think. It gets covered up in everyday life. But every once in a while, we look down, and we see the places we have set our feet and then we have to decide what we think about our course. We have to decide whether to stay on or change. To carry on knowing it is where we want to be, or at least hoping that is the case, or to move in another direction because not doing so would be folly, and we want to be more. To not choose is to not progress. And so, this is our choice: Continuation or deviation. Of course, we must first choose to choose. Interesting.